Procrastination Time Is Here

Well WOW I’m back. Hold the phone. I know this is going to send ripples through the blogosphere.

But anyway, so I’m a ‘senior’ MSW student, with just a matter of weeks left before I graduate. And I am STRUGGGLINGGGGGGGGGG!!!! Like, seriously.

download

 

This past December break really let me come back to myself and realize how down and struggling I’ve been. In all areas of my life; field, my relationship with Rachel, my relationships and social life in general, school work, obviously. I just didn’t feel good about any of it.

And speaking of, a rather loud voice (in my head) is telling me I need to go ACTUALLY start working. Which actually sounds like a good idea. But why am I still here, you ask, masses of people reading my awesome blog?

I WANT TO MAKE PUBLIC (anonymously), THAT I STRUGGLE WITH PROCRASTINATION.

I PUBLICLY ANNOUNCE THAT I HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE AT STARTING TASKS, STAYING ON TASK, WORKING AHEAD, AND GETTING THINGS DONE.

I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS AND IN FACT I’M COMING TO TERMS (with many, many deep thanks to this blog) TO JUST HOW MUCH SHITTINESS THIS PERFECTIONISM AND PROCRASTINATION BRINGS TO MY LIFE (a lot, is the answer). In fact I want to write a whole post on my thoughts and reaction to that blog, which seems redundant but what is this blog for if not processing things 🙂

I HAVE A LOT OF FUCKING SHIT TO DO TONIGHT. I WOULD FEEL GOOD IF I MAINTAIN SOME DISCERNMENT AND WISDOM IN WHAT I DO, SO I’M NOT UP THE ENTIRE NIGHT.

Well not sure how much this will do but I wanted to say somewhere that this is on my mind, and I want to do something about it, and I wish myself luck tonight.

love,

yourself

(you can do it!)

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Surprised again

Every time I ride my bike down the sidewalk in Chapel Hill these days, I immediately remember a heartwarming encounter I had months ago, I don’t every remember when exactly it happened. I think it was an instance of having rode my bike to the bus stop (probably because I was late leaving my house), and so on my way back home from work I took my bike off the bus and started biking down the sidewalk. This may not be relevant but, (a) I have a very short commute and (b) I have about 150 feet of sidewalk to cover, from the bus to where I get on the road down the hill to my house. Chapel Hill is a small town and I have a small commute. I guess a point here is that I hadn’t been biking long, and I can be pretty unthinking while going about this commute.

Also, I had not ‘gotten in the zone’ while biking, and soon after starting biking, without having gotten up much speed, a man who I immediately assumed was homeless, turned towards me and seemed to intend to start talking to me. He was black. I immediately shut down, as I normally don’t interact with these folks and assumed he was going to ask me for money. As I imagine must be pretty common among white/middle class folks like me, I had a wide range of mixed emotions: nervousness, frustration, irritation, sympathy, sadness, discomfort, wanting to help but scared of helping; and resentment for making me feel bad about judging him and guilty for not stopping, giving him money, and more fundamentally, shutting off from him as a human being. So as usual, my response was going to be to not make much eye contact, force a smile that I hoped sincerely expressed that I wanted to acknowledge him as a human being and that his existence mattered to me, but quickly turn away and keep biking, and maybe utter a ‘Sorry; have a good day’.

At this point I feel like adding that all of this took place in about half a second, as we got closer to each other.

He kept trying to make eye contact and started gesturing and pointing. His eyes seemed to be eager for me to listen to him. So I stopped, and pretty quickly realized that he was pointing behind him, sneakily, to the two cops farther down the sidewalk!! Again, immediately, everything caught up with me. At this point, much farther in the future, it’s easy to look back on this and feel happy and laugh about it. But in the moment it was also really powerful. What a sweet encounter! This man who I only saw in terms of how he was causing me discomfort and how I could keep him at bay in the least guilt-inducing way, went out of his way simply to help me out and keep me from getting a biking-on-the-sidewalk ticket. And he did it with a big grin on his face!

My post below about the woman in the thrift store speaks to a similar experience of being humbled by other people’s behavior, that caught me off guard and roughly exposed my prejudices. This event on the sidewalk brought me joy, was a great slash at my ego, and a great reminder that the people I pass on the sidewalk most days are just as full human beings as I am.

Thanks to that man!!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Doggie

I went running today, and came across a cute little black pug! That was a great part of a down day today. He was just chilling, walking down the street, without a collar on. I ended up carrying him for about 30 minutes, asking neighbors if they recognized him. Eventually Mom and I found a neighbor who did. But it was really fun! The dog was really friendly, and we bonded. I sort of wish I could have kept him.

The neighbor sort of freaked out and said her neighbors, the owners, had had numerous problems with the little guy before, presumably with him getting out. You’d think they’d leave a collar on him…

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

family time

a wedding with my family all weekend. i’m already feeling irritable, scared, and not good about myself. haha. i hope this goes OK. ugh

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Clerk from the Thrift Store

I went shopping at Goodwill today for over an hour. I also flew back from NYC this morning and was super tired, which affected me in a way I don’t feel up to adequately describing at the moment. You know, really tired so you don’t have energy to worry about stuff and you can sort of just flow easier. Like, just trying on clothes for over an hour and not thinking much. Also, more irritable. With less energy to second guess and restrain my irritability.

I realize I don’t have enough cash to pay, so I ask the woman at the register, a 40 or 50 something woman, where the nearest ATM was. Not surprisingly, given my mood, she annoyed me some with her response, me not feeling that she was clear enough. She also asked me if I knew the area well, which of course offended me as I took it as an insult to my knowledge. I follow her directions, which do not work, ask someone else, take a few extra minutes to find the bank. Go back, i check out. I bought $35 worth of clothes and trinkets which gets you a lot at this thrift store, so we had a little while to talk. I tell her I am buying a CD because the name of the band is the same as the last name of someone who was just a reference for me to get a job. She asks me what job I got, I tell her. She congratulates me and says how it’s great to have a job. I ask her if she works at the thrift store full time, expecting either a yes, or no, she works part time somewhere else too. Turns out, she works full time at TJ Max, another clothing store. She works at the thrift store another 15 hours on top of the 35 at TJ Max. She is incredibly humble about it. She says it can be a lot, that she doesn’t have much time for herself, that sometimes it feels like it’s hard to breathe. I start feeling overwhelmed and sad. She says how she has worked at TJ Max close to 10 years and can get a pension soon. I ask her if she’s saved enough to possibly start working less soon. This is where I really got blown away. She says something like, “I don’t know if you’re a Christian, but I tithe my income to the church.” I expect her next comment to be something like, “But if I stop titheing (as much), then I will start to finally be able to start saving some money.” Instead she says, “I’ve found I just have more than I need.” … and something like “Some people say that you can’t give more than God. He’ll always beat you.” And how it’s true and how it feels good and how she feels like it’s spiritually worth it to be so generous and humble.

I was just bowled over by her graciousness. I walked out of the store and immediately started to cry. I was so stuck in my own world, just seeing things through a lens of how it annoyed or helped me, and here was this woman, working all the time, hoping just to get a pension from TJ Max, and feeling like she has more than she needs and giving her wealth away. Unbelievable. it really shook me up. I started to walk out, but then stopped, and asked her name.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Thoughts from my run tonight

I went running tonight near my house. For about 3 miles. I had an interesting, eye-opening experience, one of those infrequent instances when I think I realize something along the lines of what other people (in this case, women) deal with sometimes.

I had stopped to change the song on my ipod, when an SUV drove past and I heard female screams, mostly unintelligible but possibly something about my body. I thought it was funny and exciting but also sort of scary or unsettling. I keep running up the hill, and the same SUV drives past under a minute later and I get more yells. They drive fast enough that I can’t see whose inside. At this point I had another mile and a half to get home and they passed me up and down the street possibly 6 times doing this.

That was all that happened. They never stopped; all I could make out further was a white arm hanging out of a window. Oh yea. I was shirtless. and with headphones on. I didn’t recognize the car.

As this kept happening, I got more unsettled and honestly, sort of frightened. I also liked the attention and the idea that they were targeting me for sexualized attention (or at least that’s how I took it). I saw a lot of parallels with what I believe to be a really common experience females have: unwanted attention from males/unwanted sexualized attention. This is of course not a new idea to me. But as I tried to describe earlier, the sort of visceral, experiential understanding, “oh, this must be what it feels like” was novel. And it was powerful. I felt weak, vulnerable, afraid, alert, angry, unsure, pressured, excited, special. I had been having a great run and didn’t like them affecting me like that. I witnessed myself getting vigilant, wondering if every headlight in the distance was them, looking over my head a lot when it had passed me. I felt sort of at the mercy of them. Part of me wanted to run and hide, but I didn’t want to give in to them, or to think of myself as weak and not in control.

I hope this makes some sense. and that the parallels with a typical female experience are somewhat obvious. Stupid guys demanding the attention of female targets so they can feel special and important, ignoring or not caring that it makes the female uncomfortable, unsettled, afraid, hurt, not cared about.

We’ll see.

I wonder what they were doing. haha

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment